I. Have. Depression.

I have depression.

There I said it. For the second time. Ever.

On Friday, I went to my GP and I mumbled the word

I think I have depression.

She asked why I thought that and through the tears I admitted to 11 years of self harm, suicidal thoughts, and feelings of worthlessness. More recently uncontrollable crying and feeling totally out of control.

So why am I writing this? It’s certainly not for pity.
It’s to encourage people that feel like this for 3 months to get some help. I waited 11 whole years. 11 years between the moment I put that knife to my thigh and the moment I admitted I had a problem.

Never let it get that bad. The relief I am already feeling is amazing. I have just started on anti depressants and will be seeing a psychologist.

The more we talk about this, the less stigma there is associated with it.

So today I stand up and say I have depression.

Who’s in Control of Your Contraception?

So I’m in a relationship (of sorts) these days so I decided to bite the bullet and go to a doctor to talk contraception, scary even as a 22 year old!

The irony of going to a Middle Aged white gay male doctor for this was missed by me to start with.

I go to see Dr Jones and after a long chat about breast exams and Pap smears we finally get down to what sort of pill I should go on.

I told him I was on Trifeme for 4 years no problem whatsoever, to which he replied levlin is in fashion because of points a b and c. He keeps talking this levlin up so I decide ( after much persuasion) to give it a go.

After 2 weeks on this horrendous pill I found myself abnormally aggressive, massive nausea, and mood swings like never before.

I decide to Google a bit about levlin to discover just how many women this pill has messed with, from mood swings to hair loss it does it all!!

It was then I decided to never let a middle aged white gay male decide which contraception is best for me but let my body decide for me.

We live in 2013, women have the right to control their contraception and we should all use that right.

My Journey

My life has been interesting.
That’s the simple way of saying it.

I’ve discovered recently how strong I really am. It was only when I sat down with a friend and we were talking about the past that she said

‘Gee, your life has been tough.

‘
I guess I’d never seen it that way before , but now, right now, I’m going to write for everyone to see my struggles.

My life took a turn for the worse in 1994 when aged 3, my parents separated due to my Dads alcoholism.

At seven, ‘The Monster’ got me. ‘The Monster’ refers to the rock spider that abused me for almost four years. The pain and fear of a little girl whose innocence was stolen is more than I can even comprehend now. It’s almost like being dead inside while still breathing.

When I was twelve years old I became very sexually promiscuous, sex became an escape from reality. Along with that reality I began cutting, something I still wear the scars from. Cutting to feel, to feel anything real. Of course my Mum didn’t believe I had a problem just that I was looking for attention. The thought of the pain of cutting still haunts me, that good feeling when you see the blood, see yourself on the outside how you see yourself on the inside.

At 16 I thought I’d met the man of my dreams, soon enough I moved in with him and everything was great. He healed a lot of my mental wounds.

Just a few months after my 17th birthday I found out I was pregnant. I never saw myself as mother material but chose to keep my son and make a ‘family.’

We moved interstate and on New Years Eve 2008 I received the worst phone call I’d ever had – my Dad had died. So at 20 weeks pregnant I had to go home by myself, plan my dads funeral and say goodbye. Part of me died along with my dad.

My boy arrived at the end of May 2009 and we were a happy family – for a few months. An accident out field had changed my sons father into a controlling abuser. After many beatings and 50 phone calls a day, I walked away with nothing but my son.

That was 3 and a half years ago and while our life isn’t perfect we are happy.

I am strong because I broke the cycle of abuse in my life and things are just going to get better.

Laini x

Queen of TMI

Everyone has a friend that doesn’t know when enough info is enough info.

Well in my friend circle it’s me! From talking about my last sexual encounter to talking on the phone on the toilet to informing my Facebook friends of the massive booga I found in my sons nose (maybe this is my I’m single!).

Now I happily overshare with the people I know best and to be honest I don’t mind when they do the same but recently I encountered over sharing in public. While on a bus minding my own business I overheard (well it was hard not to when she was talking so loud) a young girl no more than 16 telling her friend about giving a hot guy a head job while high on E.

I found myself sad for this misguided teen, unable to understand why she felt the need to over share with the entire bus. I’m putting it down to low self esteem but it’s so easy to get labeled a slut or easy in a world so obsessed with labels and stereotypes.

While I’ll continue to over share with my besties in the privacy of my own home or to my Facebook friends where appropriate I never want to be the girl over sharing on a bus for attention.

Laini x

Being a Selfish Mum in 2013

I’m selfish and I know it. I want my cake and to eat it too.

On one hand I have a beautiful almost 4 year old son, Ethan, on the other hand I want a LIFE.

So how do I juggle this you ask? Well I have a mum, a retired mum. She’s had her years to have a social life, now I’m having mine.

I don’t dump Ethan on her everynight but I have at least one night to myself a week, I also have sporting commitments and a university degree to complete.

I have my boy full time – no weekends off, no alternate weeks, and while I don’t complain about that how are you meant to start a relationship or get your hair done with an almost four year old in tow?

All this got me thinking, am I damaging my son? I was thinking ‘I’m not spending enough time with him’ ‘is he going to resent me?’ ‘ Does it make me a bad Mum?’

After thinking about all this day in day out, I came to the conclusion no it doesn’t. The hours I spend with him are more quality, I don’t get as frustrated with him as a lot of Mums do with their kids.

So next time you start feeling guilty when have some time out or choose to pursue your dreams – don’t. You’re a mum but you’re also a human being – one with selfish feelings and one that needs an identity.

Laini x

It’s Complicated.

Ok so we’ve all heard the “It’s not you, it’s me” line, haven’t we? It’s a line I never thought I’d ever believe….. That was until yesterday.

So I guess I should set the scene a bit. I’ll call him Kane for the sake of his privacy. We share the same social scene, in October 2011 we became Facebook friends, fairly quick we hit it off… Happy days I thought, a decent guy!

Well this is where it gets complicated… I come to find out he’s fresh out of a messy divorce… One that left him with his bipolar pet cat that I can only compare to ‘grumpy cat’ of recent meme fame. I also let him into the fact I’m a single mum AND have my son full time.

Fast forward six months, I express my feelings to him, after obvious rejection I accept this is just a good friendship and that it’s that or nothing.

Now I confided in Kane this whole time, telling him my inner thoughts and he his.

So this brings us to February 2013, close to 18 months after our friendship began, I noticed his words became softer and his looks different. I was thinking “Geez Laini, don’t fall for him again.” Well guess what I did… I started hinting at my feelings, both subtly and not so subtly.

Cue yesterday, he admitted he has feelings, I admitted the same. I thought this could be the start of something awesome!

But then came the buts…. He began with but I don’t want to lose everything again, but I can’t be a father figure, but I don’t know what I want. Now for me I wasn’t going to beg but really he’s letting one bitch of an ex wife get in the way of something amazing… And I know it would be.

So I’m going to hang around and see what happens.

Moral of the story – I hope good things come to those who wait.

Ps I actually believe it’s him, not me.

Laini x